I didn't really know where to say this, or how to say it, or even who would listen; in fact, I don't really expect many people if even any to listen--I just felt like I have to get this out there. Not for anyone in particular, but for myself.
I don't know why this weighs so heavy on me, I've always accepted that I am the way I am. I never wished for my body to be like this, or like that, but at the same time, I wanted to get better. I'm under-weight, I'm really under-weight. I'm 6'1", 18 years old, and I weigh a measly 120 pounds. I've always accepted that I was skinnier than most people, but it's not like I don't eat. I don't have anorexia, I don't have bulimia, I don't have a mental illness. But I'm still grappling with the fact that something is wrong with me.
I had a doctor's appointment earlier to get a physical since my college requires medical forms on records. I didn't really expect much to happen, just to go there, and get the forms done and go home. Instead, I walked out with a prescription for a bunch of lab tests. Over the past two years, I've lost 10 pounds without a change in eating habits or life style. I normally wouldn't take this weight loss as such a drastic issue, but being already underweight, I can't stand to lose anymore. I can't keep losing weight. I eat a lot; I eat the right things. I'm active with my friends, I go on hikes, I go swimming, I go to the beach. So if I'm living a healthy life style, why do I keep losing this weight? If anything I should be gaining.
My doctor doesn't think anything is wrong. He thinks this could just be the way I am, that this period of being skinny is losing weight is just a stage. Or at least that's what he says. I can tell from the way my mom talks about it and looks at me that she doesn't think it's just a stage. She thinks I have a problem, she just doesn't know what it is. I never used to think that there was something wrong with my body, that I was skinny, I accepted it--this is who I am. But after so long, if repeated enough, you start to believe things you never did before; especially when you're prescribed to do lab work when "nothing is wrong."
I've become self-conscious about my weight over the course of high school. Freshman year left a sour taste in my mouth; whenever I would meet someone new, the first comment would always be "oh my gosh, you're so skinny!" It was ceaselessly repeated by every new person I met, and I just wanted it to stop. I know I'm skinny, okay? It's not like I just woke up one morning and I was like this. I'm going to be a freshman in college/university in the next couple of months, I don't want freshman year of high school to repeat itself.
I don't wish that I wasn't skinny. I don't wish that my body was in any shape. I just want to get better. Maybe I should be using this lab work as motivation, that the solution I've been looking for to get better all these years is finally opening. I don't know. I can only wait and see.
My doctor called me this morning with my lab results. He said that nothing was really out of the ordinary, cholesterol levels and everything seemed fine. Well, except for one thing. I have a higher level of bilirubin in my system than a normal person, which means I have something called Gilbert's Syndrome. In and of itself, this is not a harmful disease, it's an inherited genetic mutation in the metabolic processes of the liver which doesn't conjugate this chemical bilirubin correctly. I'm at no risk of anything except liver and blood damage if I were to drink alcohol excessively, which I never plan to do. Ever. Gilbert's Syndrome also has it's beneficial side to it: I have an innately reduced chance of contracting Coronary Artery Disease and other heart and cardiovascular diseases. In fact, I have a 1/3 chance; time to love me some burgers!
All in all, how my body is, between the weight and being skinny, is just a phase in my life really. Even with being so underweight, my body, for the most part, is running as good if not better than a health nut who only eats fruits and vegetables and excercises 6 hours a day.